Omen from the gods

The day started oddly to say the least as I climbed down the step ladder from my mezzanine bedding area, I’m going to fall down those one of these days, and I bleary eyed put the hot water on for cup of tea. 

There was the customary squawking from the pigeons outside from across the road on the roof of the flats opposite.

“Hold on” I thought as I watched the water slowly heat up on the electric hob. 

It’s one of those old ones from the 1970’s that take an age to boil anything especially when you have switched the wrong hob on and unlike todays it doesn’t glow red you just wait and nothing happens for 10 minutes. Then take twice as long to cool down after you have switched it off. 

“Pigeons don’t squawk”

I turned and looked out of my window and across to the roof.

A Seagull, big and bright white and standing erect and tall against the drab roof top and a stark contrast to the gloomy pigeons that normally gather there.

That’s strange I thought, the seagull was surrounded by small grey feathers, then it bent its head down and grabbed something, which looked like a dirty grey rag, shook it violently and pecked at it.

I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on the rag.

It wasn’t a rag at all

It was a dead pigeon!

And it was eating it. I say eating more like devouring the thing. There were feathers everywhere and it was again and again pecking and ripping at the soft underbelly of the flying rat.

"I didnt order this"

I stood there transfixed, I didn’t know seagulls ate other birds. The shiny red blood was now visible as the seagull had broken the skin and was getting stuck into the juicy bits.

I half expected the seagull to peck a bit then fly off but how wrong could I be. It didn’t stop and continued until I had to leave the flat 15 minutes later.

I returned about two hours later and the carcass of the pigeon was there and it had been picked clean. I say clean, the skin was still all intact but you could see every last morsel of meat had been eaten from inside.

"Heeeeere's Jonathan"

The search continues for a rugby club and I think I have found one. Well I hope so, I sent them an email asking if they had a vet’s team. It’s a village just a few kilometres outside Nice.

And the best thing is the name of the village it’s called Tourettes!

The mind boggles.

Tourettes V Nice Rugby Match

Centre circle before the game starts for the toss up with the captains of both sides and the referee.

Ref: “Ok heads or tails”

Tourettes RFC Captain “ Tails”

Ref: “Tails it is”

Tourettes RFC Captain: “Bollocks”

Nice Prices info:

I popped into all the estate agents along the main street and around where I live. I think I have one of the best addresses by sheer luck. It’s on one of the streets with massive villas and when I mention it they all raise an eyebrow…….

"Weve won!"...."Crap"...."Bugger"........"Shit"..........

Nice they say.

Yes it’s in Nice I reply (Ed enough of Nice nice jokes)

They don’t realise I am living in a hole with cockroaches.

Yes they, the cockroaches, have arrived. It seems to be a direct correlation between when Cemille, the owner, turned up with a portable oven. I pointed out that the oven part of my cooker was not working. He said “Pas de problem” and he would bring a portable electric one.

He came round and delivered it. It was brand new and works really well….on Pizzas. I’ve only used it once, but it seems that maybe the aditional heat from the table-top oven, has confused the Cockroaches because as a result they have woken up and are out for a walk taking advantage of what they think is an Indian Summer.

They are small, so far, so not really a problem, although last night I tried to stab one with my wooden spoon. 

I missed it and it ran two inches then disappeared! I mean completely!! There wasn’t any hole it had scuttled down or anything it just disappeared.

I quickly removed my ‘just made burgers’ from the worktop and then had a horrible feeling that perhaps it had crawled into my burger.

I tried not to think about it too much. Hmmm I thought the lettuce is crunchy tonight.

After my lip smaking feed, I went to wash up the plate keeping a close eye on any inanimate objects that moved. I placed the plate in the sink and turned on the tap. Nothing but air came out!!

I tried the cold tap….nothing. I went into the loo and nothing from the taps in there either.

“Genial” I said to myself.

I had just finished my salty tasty burgers, they were good too, and I had just finished the last of the flat lemonade. I glanced at my watch and realised all the shops were shut. So recognizing I was going to have to drink whatever was left in the fridge I tentatively looked in to see what remained.

I opened the door and inside was:

A bottle of Rose wine

2 small bottles of Carrefour beer

Half a pint of semi-skimmed milk

2.5 ltrs of Red wine form Bordeaux   (This is an estimate as it is a 3ltr wine box)

And About a pint of water left in the end of a bottle of water.

Unselfishly I immediately got the bottle of water out and watered the plants outside.

"Im off to get a proper drink"...."Oi wait for us"